Aftermath.

I just want to be in your arms right now.

That's all.

"Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.."

Laurene.

She is the most important person in my life.

The only reason that I'm still alive.

She doesn't know how much effect she has on me.

She doesn't know how much I love her.

I wish, for a second, you can feel my heart.

It beats only for you, Jello.



When you move, I can hardly breathe.

When you hold me, I can feel my heart melting.

When you kiss me, my world stops and nothing else matters.

I belong to you.


"My heart, it feels like it doesn't belong to me anymore... It belongs to you."

Poker Face

Bluewave with Jello's friends.

It's depressing to know you're still doubtful.

You're breaking my heart.

Over and over again.

Stop.

No one in the world
Ever had a love as sweet as my love
For nowhere in the world
Could there be a boy as true as you love
All my love
I give gladly to you
All your love
You give gladly to me
Tell me why then
Oh why should it be that

We go on hurting each other
We go on hurting each other
Making each other cry
Hurting each other
Without ever knowing why

Closer than the leaves
On a weepin' willow baby we are
Closer dear are we
Than the simple letters "A" and "B" are
All my life
I could love only you
All your life
You could love only me
Tell me why then

Oh why should it be that

Can't we stop hurting each other
Gotta stop hurting each other
Making each other cry
Breaking each other's heart
Tearing each other apart

--- HURTING EACH OTHER, The Carpenters

________________________

Maybe you're right... I'm only good in bed. Nothing more.

Conversion.

I have always considered myself a claustrophobic when it comes to work and relationships. I don't know how I do it, to be so attached and detached at the same time. No wonder my past relationships didn't work out well. Haha. Anyway, I was going through my "past" box and I happened to read my ex's letters. Most were written after fights, and she always complained about me being so distant. Am I really like that? I know I shun people away when I'm upset, when I'm angry but I think it's my way of keeping myself from doing something I might regret later on (which by the way, already happened, and I sincerely repented for that).

To make the story short, I think I'm on my way to being a convert. Yes, I found the right person I could be claustrophilic with. No more fear of restriction and suffocation. As for my internship, I'm still working on that. Maybe I was made to be a doctor after all. Only God knows.. :)

Things are looking up.

Thank you, Lord.

5 is Heart.

I was a stranger, and you came to my side
and you said 'oh, you're alright now'
And you were so knowing, I felt so lost and confused

Oh, I need you there
when the nightmares and dreams have come true

I barely knew you, but you talked til' you laughed
til' you cried out so loud 'someone save me'
Oh, black streaks of Maybelline run down your cheeks again
I prayed for answers, you take the chances or refuse

Oh, I need you there when the nightmares and dreams have come true
Oh, I need you there when the nightmares and dreams have come true

Yeah, we belong

Oh, I need you there when the nightmares and dreams have come true...

--- SOMETHING FOR THE REST OF US, Goo Goo Dolls

J is beautiful.

Her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Oh, you know, you know, you know, I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So, don't even bother asking if you look ok
You know I'll say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing, just the way you are
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing, just the way you are....

---JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, Bruno Mars
__________________

I'll never get tired of saying this...

"You're beautiful, J."

My Song

You are the song
Playing so softly in my heart
I reach for you
You seem so near yet so far
I hope and I pray
You'll be with me someday
I know down inside
You are mine & I'm your true love
Or am I dreaming...

How can I
Each time I try to say goodbye
You were there
You look my way I touch the sky
We can share tomorrow and forevermore
I'll be there
To love you so
You are my song

I know for sure
That we were meant to fall in love
I look in your eyes
I know what you're thinking of
I try not to say
The words that might scare you away
I know down inside
You are mine & I'm your true love
Please, no more dreaming...

How can I
Each time I try to say goodbye
You were there
You look my way I touch the sky
We can share tomorrow and forevermore
I'll be there
To love you so
You are my song

Maybe we can last until forever
And I know that we can make it through
With you in my heart, in my soul, you're my love
You're my song

You are my song

We can share tomorrow and forevermore
I'll be there
To love you so
You are my song...

--- YOU ARE MY SONG

_____________________

I can never be too grateful for this second chance with you.

I'll make it up to you, Baby.

I love you.

So in love with you.

Status Post Suicide Attempt

Thank you for saving my life, Jello.

Thank you for being my life.

You mean everything to me.

___________________

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends...

Stop Breathing.

DEATH

–noun

1.the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism.

2.an instance of this: a death in the family; letters published after his death.

3.the state of being dead: to lie still in death.

4.extinction; destruction: It will mean the death of our hopes.

5.manner of dying: a hero's death.

6.(usually initial capital letter) the agent of death personified, usually represented as a man or a skeleton carrying a scythe.

7.Also called spiritual death. loss or absence of spiritual life.

8.Christian Science. the false belief that life comes to an end.

9.bloodshed or murder: Hitler was responsible for the death of millions.

10.a cause or occasion of death: You'll be the death of me yet!

11.Archaic. pestilence; plague.


Death...

A very seductive thought right now.

To run away from everything.

Freedom.

To let go of the fear of losing things.

Losing people.

Losing love.

Losing all that you thought will bring you meaning to life.

Losing life.

I can't wait.

I heart Laurene

I'll never be lonely again

Just as long as you stand by me now

And everyday I'll spend my time

Finding out why you're so special.

I love you, J... right up to the moon and back...

and across the universe. :)

Blah.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Cough and colds are making it worse.

I hate this day.

_______________

Can you blame me if I feel this way?

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you....

First Day High

Superman loves Surfer Girl. :)

Kryptonite

I opened my eyes and looked around. She's not here. And I feel like cutting myself just to make sure this isn't a bad dream. I'm scared because she might forget about me. She might forget that I'm here, patiently waiting, patiently loving her. What if she finds someone else? I feel sick just thinking about it.

Can someone save Superman?

I am about to press that self-destruct button again.


In 3.... 2.... 1....

Why does it always rain on me?

8 hours and counting...

I wonder when I will see you again.

My heart is breaking...

With or without you.

Schatz... Love me.

Please.
______________

Superman can't fly without you.

I love you, Schatz.

J rules my world.

Sad.

"Funny how your eyes keep wandering everytime I speak of deeper things. My love has no walls, it has no strings. So if you want to go, if you want to leave... But when you're ready, come be with me. I don't want to be angry anymore so speak your truth now even if it hurts... because your silence has been whispering that you're still looking and it's not for me. When you're ready, when you're ready, when you're ready... come be with me." -Bird York

All I Want is You.

I love you.

I am in love with you.

The words you don't want to hear from me.

The words you still want to hear from her.


You don't know how hard it is to not beg for your love.

To not say...

Please choose me.

Please love me.


I'm stronger than what you think.

Because I'm loving you unconditionally.

I'm loving you even if your heart still belongs to someone else.

I'm loving you even if you're still hoping that someday she'll come back.


Tell me...

Who's weak now?

August Blues

Only when the goal is unattainable
do I start to feel like I'm losing myself
and this deep secret
that hasn't come out yet
is buried down deep with the rest

I can't coerce you into this one
Jealousy lay all your spells to bed
I'll choose unloved instead

If only songs were sung
to guide the doubtful ones
beyond the rough
where not as much is good enough
Oh, if you find yourself
amongst the lonely ones
I'll be waiting here with open arms

I can't coerce you into this one
Jealousy lay all your spells to bed

I'll choose unloved instead...

-- UNATTAINABLE, Little Joy

______________

Better if you'd never feel the same for me.

One Month.

I need you
Is all that I can say
But deep inside of me
You'll know I want you more each day
But time won't let me have the chance
So I've got to see you even at a glance

I know, it's hard for you to see
Exactly how much you mean to me
Since it's just a one way street
And I'm the only one who's on it
No one knows the way but me

I love you can't you hear me
Oh can't you please see through me
Oh babe I need your love so badly
It's no lie so please believe me
In my heart you'll see the real me
You just gotta give me a chance

Well since I got that off my chest
All I need to let you know
Is I really did my best
Keep this feeling inside
But there's just no place to hide
So please be my love

I love you can't you hear me
Oh can't you please see through me
Oh babe I need your love so badly
It's no lie so please believe me
In my heart you'll see the real me
You just gotta give me a chance

Give me a chance...

-- GIVE ME A CHANCE

_______________

I think I'm in love with you, J.

Caffeine and Jell-o Happy.

I'm a certified sleepyhead.

But with you I can stay up late talking about anything and everything.

You make me happy.

You're really something, J.

Keep it up. :)

Be Still My Heart.

"Let down your guard just a little... I'll keep you safe in these arms of mine... Hold onto me, pretty baby. You will see I can be all you need if you stay... Won't you save room for my love?"

Yes, I'm addicted to you. :)

*Another chapter begins.........

Song of the Day

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me...

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't...

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't...

-- I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME, Bonnie Raitt

____________


Wondering how long this will last...

The Sweetest Voice

"..Touch me, it's so easy to leave me. All alone with the memory of my days in the sun. If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is.." -Grizabella, Cats

I watched Cats last night with my family. It was good but Lea Salonga was great. I've never heard her sing live before. Her voice was breathtaking. I just sat there, watching and listening in total awe. I heart her.

_________

I remember when you used to sing for me, when I used to watch your competitions. The promise of your songs, how you made me feel them. I miss that feeling. I miss you. I know you're happy with her. I know she takes good care of you. I'm happy for you... truly, sincerely.

Sometimes I just wish I'm the one who's making you happy.


No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
my words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
that's all I ask of you...

Let me be your shelter
let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
your fears are far behind you...

All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night
and you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me...

Then say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime
let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you...
anywhere you go, let me go too
that's all I ask of you...

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...
Share each day with me,
each night, each morning...

Say you love me...

You know I do...

Love me, that's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go let me go too
Love me, that's all I ask of you...

-- ALL I ASK OF YOU, The Phantom of the Opera

Because I Care About You.

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me
And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

And when your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darling, from a whisper start
And have a little faith in me
And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch you, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

'Cause I've been loving you, for such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us, there is no end
And all you gotta do, is have a little faith in me
I will hold you up, I will hold you up
And your love, gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me
Hey hey

All you gotta do for me girl
Is have a little faith in me...

- HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN ME, John Hiatt

_____________

I can be your Superman, always there to save the day. :)

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

"If I didn’t know you, I'd rather not know... If I couldn’t have you, I'd rather be alone..."


I'm going all in.

Hey, Soul Sister.

Finally...

A girl after my own heart.

She is wonderful.

She makes me happy.

I'll make her happy.

We'll be happy.

We'll be. :)

Surfer Girl

It's been only a couple of days since I met her and she's already turning my world upside down. She makes me smile a lot that not even an 8-hour long CABG could make me sad.

I hope you'll stay, J.
I can make you whole again.

____________

J: Baka maaddict ka sa 'kin ha.
T: Feeling ka, alam mo? Haha..
J: Hindi nga.. Lahat sila naaaddict sa kin.
T: *pauses* Shet, oo nga. Baka maaddict ako sa 'yo.

I love Love.

"Why is it we always fall for our best friends? Is it because we know we can trust them? Is it because we know them so well? Is it because of the way they know exactly what's going on in our heads? Or is it because they are there any day, anytime, anywhere without the promise of kisses, intimate touches or whispered sentiments of love?"

I NEED TO GET HIGH.

APRIL 30. This day was supposed to be my last day as an intern. But thanks to you - you who left me for dead, who left me to rot, who broke my heart, who took away every bit of sanity from my head - I have to start again. You said you'd never leave me... You said you'd always love me... You said... You said... You said so many things... You made me believe you'd always be there... But where are you now? In the arms of someone else. Being all fucking happy and in love. Damn you bitch! Damn you! I hate you! And I could never hate you enough!

_____________

I'm on the highway to hell...

Boundaries.

D1 and D2.

D1 is a good friend, though now I find it annoying when he makes hirit about "us". I just can't take the idea of being with a man. I'd rather be alone. I don't reply to his messages like I used to. I think I'm drifting away from him. Hmmm...

D2 is becoming my late night textmate, though it's awkward when I see her. I vowed that I'd never ever date someone from our hospital again hence the big wall I'm trying to build. It's just weird.

Anyways, MN is hot. And it's such a small world... If only it's not creepy to send her a message.

Patience, my dear. Patience.

Au Revoir.

I woke up this morning and I realized something. I stopped loving myself.

I don't love myself anymore.

I'm drifting away.

What happens to the fallen hero now?

Karma.

Why should I be the first one to always make the move?

I'm getting bored with this game.

I am quitting.

No, I won't text unless you text me.

Damn it.

_____________

Thanks for making me feel stupid. Ugh. Fine, I know that's what I get for dumping you (Yeah, I struck out.). I just wish you knew how sincere I was when I asked you for a chance.

You can't just force people to be serious. That is EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.

What you did last December was blackmail.

And I'm not that sorry for breaking your heart. You kinda asked for it.

We are even.

I hope I won't see you again. EVER.

Damn you.

Damn you.

Oh no, A.I. didn't..

It broke my heart when Didi got voted off earlier from American Idol. So unfair!!! Tim Urban should get chopped off soon because seriously he doesn't have what it takes to still be on that show. He shouldn't be in AI in the first place. He's just so annoying. I hate him... I hate him a lot.

What becomes of the brokenhearted, Didi? :(

I'll always heart you.

______________

"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I'm begging of you please don't take my man... Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, please don't take him just because you can.."

Been watching 90210 lately because Mandy Musgrave was there for 2 episodes. And now I'm hooked because of Adrianna (played by Jessica Lowndes). She is just too pretty. I love her.


She owns me. *dreamy eyes*

Avoiding the Black Hole

I almost got sucked in.

I don't know if I'm happy or not that I lost you again.

Weird feeling.

Because I Found My Old CDs

Take me as you are
Push me off the road
The sadness I need this time to be with you
I’m freezing in the sun
I’m burning in the rain
The silence I’m screaming
Calling out your name

And I do
Reside in your light
Put out the fire with me and find
Yeah you lose the side of your circles
That’s what I’ll do if we say goodbye

To be is all I got to be
And all that I see
And all that I need this time

To me the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight

The calmness in your face
That I see through the night
The warmth of your light is pressing unto us
You didn’t ask me why
I never would have known
Oblivion is falling down

If you could only know me
Like your prayers at night
then everything between you and me will be alright

She’s already taken
She’s already taken
She’s already taken me
The day you said goodnight

-- THE DAY YOU SAID GOODNIGHT, Hale

Wedding Song

You light, the skies up above me
A star so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away
Don't fade away

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now

Yeah, you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah, you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight for you
For you...
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight for you
For you...

Yeah, you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah, you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight for you
For you...

-- RULE THE WORLD, Take That

__________

Still looking for the girl to rule the world with...

What to do... What to do...

Why is it so hard to let people go?

Am I that needy and clingy?

I think I'm a virus.

No host, no life.

Lab Convos.

I don't know why it's so easy to talk to you... like I can tell you everything. It's so easy to open up, to share my darkest thoughts and feelings. Why is it so? Why can't I let you go? There's a lot of things I really don't like about you. But when we talk, those things don't seem to matter. Your gravity is pulling me back in... again. I am lost... again.

Doctor, what should I do?

_______________


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you.But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.”

“'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”

Bad Dreams GO AWAY.

"Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can´t believe that ours didn´t go on forever."

I'll always miss you...

Jap Addict.

Kesa hajimete
Kagami wo mite
Ki ga tsuita no
Anata ni koi shiteru no
Anata ni koi shiteru no

Omekashi shite
Doko e yuku no?
So anata ni
Ai ni yuku no yo
Baby machi wa itsumo parade
Baby dakara tsuite iko yo

Yo no naka ni wa
Sweet ya
Catchy ga ippai aru yo ne
Dakishimetai
Ureshikute
Hoho hozuri shitakunaru desho

Hora revue ga hajimaru
Hora okurenaide ne
Hora revue ga hajimaru
Hora wasurenaide ne

Tabun kyo wa
Watashi wo mite
Ki ga tsuku hazu
Anata mo koi shiterutte
Watashi ni koi shiterutte

Terebi de mita
Furui eiga
Musical no
Revue mitai ne
Baby machi wa itsumo parade
Baby hora ne kikoeru desho

Yo no naka ni wa
Happy ya
Lucky ga ippai aru yo ne
Kuchizuketai
Ureshikute
Hoho hozuri
Shitakunaru desho

Hora revue ga hajimaru
Hora okurenaide ne
Hora revue ga hajimaru
Hora wasurenaide ne

Yo no naka ni wa
Sweet ya
Catchy ga
Ippai aru hazu
Kami-sama
Parade ni
Ame nante furasenaide
Yo no naka ni
Happy mo
Lucky mo
Zenzen nakutemo
Anata to nara
Ureshikute
Hoho hozuri shitakunaru desho
Hozuri shitakunaru desho

Hora revue ga hajimaru
Hora okurenaide ne
Hora revue ga hajimaru
Hora wasurenaide ne

--SWEET SOUL REVUE, Pizzicato Five

My Sad Affair with Loneliness.

"...Don't you remember you told me you love me, Baby?"

I caught a glimpse of Teng earlier at the ER. I was tempted to go in and say hi but with much self-control, I just continued walking. No, I won't get sucked in... Not again.

I'd rather be alone.

How much it hurts.. I'd bear.

What If? Nah. Let's Not Go There.

I wish you were a girl. Things would be a lot different. Things would be easier.

I wonder if there's still someone out there for me. Hmmmm.....

____________

I don't know if it's true but congratulations to Mandy and Gabs on their engagement. It's rare that you see a TV couple translate it to reality. I'm so happy for you guys. I really wish it's true 'coz it's very inspiring.

I won't lose hope.

And no more reminiscing about the past.

Goodbye ex-lovers especially to you R.

This is the last day.

I swear.

WishList 2010

I want! I want! I want!

1. Nikon 18-105mm f/3.5-5.6 AF-S DX VR ED Nikkor Lens

2. Vespa GTS 125 scooter

3. La-Z boy for my pad

4. Samsung 46-inch LCD HDTV

5. Macbook Battery


Guess I need to start playing the lottery. Need lotsa moolah!

______________

I don't know what's going on. I like him a lot. But..... I feel like I'm going against my principles...

Superfox, help! :(

Forever.

When you said forever, you meant a few months.

When I said forever, I meant every day until my last breath.

When you said always, you meant until you couldn't handle it anymore.

When I said always, I meant until time ended.

When you said you loved me, you meant I was no different from any other girl.

When I said I loved you, I... I meant I had never felt before what I felt for you.

________________

How does a broken heart beat?

I don't know. But that probably explains my arrhythmia.

Boy, Don't Toy with Me.

Earlier this evening, I had a serious conversation with D. I'm starting to like him a lot. He's funny. He's sweet (yes, he is still my alarm clock. And hearing his voice every morning is just oh-so-good...). :) I wonder where this is heading... Hmmm...

T: I'd burn the complete season (the big bang theory) for you...
D: Thanks, that's really nice of you. Maybe you should court me.. Haha.. (pertaining to the married woman story)
T: Not funny. It's just so gross when married people flirt with single people. Especially when they have kids already... Eeew. That's why I don't believe in marriage. It's just sucky sometimes.
D: Thought you wanted to get married someday. Hmm.. Cohabitation is perfect for you. :p
T: I know! Less messy when you break up.
D: Maybe we should live together. What do you think?
T: Haha. Nice idea. Need to have lotsa money first... Wait, are you serious?
D: Yes.
T: *speechless and smiling*

My heart is weak...

Can't Get Enough of Keion

I wonder why it is
On this fretful night
I'm writing on paper
These feelings to you

Could it be that
I'm just being whimsical?
Even then the pages pile up.

It'd be nice if there is a
formula to calculate the chance
that you would like me too

My sparkling, shining wishes
Are slopped in with my worries
That's right, let's just staple them together
Though it was thin on the start
It became thick before I know it
And somehow the staples can no longer go through
I'll try again tomorrow...

I wonder what I should do
Rereading it is embarrassing
Even though all these feelings
Keep being written down

Somehow if these feelings
Get tossed into the trash
My heart would be in pain
So I wonder if I should keep them

Now my feelings will be revealed
Searching for words without a dictionary

This plan makes me excited
Expanding it makes me too tired
Let's just staple everything together
Recalling the things I did today
Always makes my chest tighten
I ran out of staples, need to buy some more
I'll try again tomorrow...

My sparkling, shining wishes
Are slopped in with my worries
That's right, let's just staple them together
Though it was thin on the start
It became thick before I know it
And somehow the staples can no longer go through
I'll try again tomorrow...

-- WATASHI NO KOI WA HOCCHIKISU (MY LOVE IS A STAPLER)

Listen to the intro riff... It's so good.

Need to learn how to play that on my guitar. :)

___________________

“Love is like handing someone a gun. Having them pointing at your heart,
and trusting them to never pull the trigger.”

I wonder.

Light Music Club

I'm now a big fan of "K-on!". They're so cute and their songs are very catchy. Nice nice!!! I love them especially Mio. I love her voice. If only they were real....

キミを見てるといつもハートDOKI☆DOKI
揺れる思いはマシュマロみたいにふわ☆ふわ
いつもがんばる【いつもがんばる】キミの横顔【キミの横顔】
ずっと見てても気づかないよね
夢の中なら【夢の中なら】二人の距離縮められるのにな

あぁ　カミサマお願い
二人だけの Dream Time ください☆
お気に入りのうさちゃん抱いて今夜もオヤスミ

ふわふわ時間（タイム）【ふわふわタイム】
ふわふわ時間（タイム）【ふわふわタイム】
ふわふわ時間（タイム）【ふわふわタイム】

ふとした仕草に今日もハートZUKI★ZUKI
さりげな笑顔を深読みしぎて Over heat!
いつか目にした【いつか目にした】キミのマジ顔【キミのマジ顔】
瞳閉じても浮かんでくるよ
夢でいいから【夢でいいから】二人だけの Sweet time 欲しいの

あぁ　カミサマどうして
好きになるほど Dream night せつないの
とっておきのくまちゃん出したし今夜は大丈夫かな？

もすこし勇気ふるって
自然に話せば
何かが変わるのかな？
そんな気するけど

だけどそれが一番難しいのよ
話のきっかけとかどうしよ
てか段取り考えてる時点で全然自然じゃないよね
あぁもういいや寝ちゃお寝ちゃお寝ちゃお―っ！【そう！寝ちゃお～】

あぁ　カミサマお願い
一度だけの Miracle Time ください！
もしすんあり話せればその後は・・・どうにかなるよね

ふわふわ時間（タイム）【ふわふわタイム】
ふわふわ時間（タイム）【ふわふわタイム】

ふわふわ時間（タイム）【ふわふわタイム】


-- FUWAFUWA TIME (Fluffy Time)

He's Just A Boy

Junior year HS. He was a new student. I thought he was cute but he was so quiet. We rarely talked. Prom night, he asked me to dance. His face was so close to me I could almost kiss him. But I didn't. I couldn't. Because he's a boy and I don't like boys.

Senior year HS. August 20, 2000. We were texting and he said he likes me. I said I like him too. He called me up and I said yes. I don't know why I said yes but I did. I was experimenting during this time and I thought it would be fun. It was. I wore his ring. I was his girl. But after 16 days, I broke up with him. It was sad but I just had to let him go.

After 9 years, he is back in my life. We've been texting nonstop since Monday. Wednesday, he was here at our house. It was nice to see him again. He's so different. It's so different. I'm just happy he's back. The wake-up calls, the jokes, the stories... It's like high school all over again.

So, what's next?

Sad..

I fall to pieces,
Each time I see you again.
I fall to pieces.
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we've never kissed.
You want me to forget, pretend we've never met.
And I've tried and I've tried, but I haven't yet.
You walk by and I fall to pieces.

I fall to pieces,
Each time someone speaks your name.
I fall to pieces.
Time only adds to the flame.

You tell me to find someone else to love,
Someone who'll love me too, the way you used to do.
But each time I go out with some one new,
You walk by and I fall to pieces.

You walk by and I fall to pieces.

-- I FALL TO PIECES, Patsy Cline

_________________

I'm just happy to hear your voice first thing in the morning, D. Keep it up! :)

Heart Me, D?

He said he'll wake me up every morning... make me laugh whenever I'm sad... tell me stories when I just want to listen... be with me when I'm alone....

Friends do that, right?

I'm weak and I'm falling.

He is unattainable.

_________________

If I'd fall, would you pick me up?

Leave Me Be...

Here they come with their make-up on
as lovely as the clouds, come and see them,
Boys and girls and their mums and their words
and their romances and jobs and their sons,
Barking mad kids, lonely dads
who drug it up to give it some meaning,
From the raves to the council estates
they're reminding us theres things to be done.

But you and me, all we want to be is lazy,
you and me, so lazy...

Here they come gone 7am
getting satellite and Sky getting cable,
Bills and Bens and their mums and their friends
who just really, really want to be loved,
Uncle Teds and their legendary vests
helping out around the disabled,
From the flats and the maisonettes
they're reminding us there's things to be done.

But you and me, all we want to be is lazy,
you and me, so lazy...
It's you and me, it's you and me, you and me...

- LAZY, Suede

____________

Last night's texting left a bad aftertaste in my mouth. Leave me alone, V... It's not funny anymore.

____________

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Need to move out... ASAP.

Drunken Stupor

It feels awkward when you're texting with a married woman (14 years your senior) and she is flirting with you. Yeah, I'm blaming the alcohol. Good thing she is sooooo far away. Haha...

Alcohol is bad. Alcohol is bad. Alcohol is bad.

*hick*

Last Breath

Come hither, Death. Embrace me and my lonely soul. Kiss my lips and let me be with you... Never let me go.

I am all yours.

I surrender.

Make Me Smile Some More...

An ex is an ex... I know. But he is making me smile a lot. Good thing we're both single right now. Haha...

Maybe this time...

________________

A Trip Down the Memory Lane

Sorry if I've acted like a total jerk. I just don't want to prolong your agony. I don't want to hurt you even more (Yeah, saying "Who's this please" was actually better)... I know you'll be fine. You'll be fine.

_____________

I still don't know where I'll do my internship. Frankly, I'm not happy to start again. Depression is taking over me. For the nth time... I want to die... I thought I was done with this crap. But here I am, missing you more and more each day.

I hate remembering how much I love you... I hate every memory...

I hate everything.

______________

It was a few days before Christmas, we were in Rob Place doing some window shopping. We went inside the bookstore (which was next to a flower shop). I sneaked out to buy you a bouquet... I remember how happy you were when I gave you the flowers. I thought we would always be together... I thought.

_______________

It was the day before Valentine's Day. We were at Starbucks studying for an exam. Then I asked for my usual mall breaktime. I went out and bought you a bottle of perfume, So Givenchy (I still love the scent...). When I got back, you said you had to go to the restroom. And while you were away, I put the box underneath your pile of handouts. You were surprised when you saw the box. We were happy... We were happy... We were happy......................

________________

I wish I could also erase all our memories in my head like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I'm wishing hard... Wishing hard...

Get Over It

I watched Get Over It again (because insomnia's a terrible friend). I didn't realize Mila Kunis played a role here. She's really cute. But I love Kirsten Dunst more (she's also Swedish). I'm gonna find me a fine girl like her. Can't wait. :-)

Let me sleep
For when I sleep
I dream that you are here
You're mine
And all my fears are left behind
I float on air
The nightingale sings gentle lullabies
So let me close my eyes

And sleep per chance to dream
So I can see the face I long to touch
To kiss
But only dreams can bring me this
So let the moon
Shine softly on the girl I long to see
And maybe when she dreams
She'll dream of me

I'll hide beneath the clouds
And whisper to the evening stars
They tell me love is just a dream away
Dream away
I'll dream away...

So let the moon
Shine softly on the girl I long to see
And maybe when she dreams
She'll dream of me

Dream of me...

--DREAM OF ME

_____________

I'll dream of KD...

Sweden scores!

"Can you do something for me? Close your eyes and imagine, just for now, just for this moment, that nothing exists... except for you and me..." -- amina to miriam, the world unseen

Fourteen years did a lot of good things to her. She is beautiful.

Emmie, you're beautiful.

Sweden and France... Wait for me.

Jag är så glad.

I was feeling so lonely earlier... (Seeing Kristin Kreuk kiss Chuck made me the loneliest person in the world. If I dont find someone like her, I'd be single for the rest of my life. LOL.) Anyways, I am happy right now. I found one of my camp friends. I'm so thankful for FB! Her name is Emmie. She is from Sweden hence the title of my entry. I'm just so glad to find her... Hmm.. But I still have to find Clarence. THAT is my ultimate goal. So from now on, I'll save up lotsa lotsa money so I can find her in Paris.

S'il vous plaît patienter pour moi, Clarence. Je vais vous trouver. Je vais vous trouver ma chérie.

My Song Whenever I'm Playing With Fire

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying?
Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me?
Will it start a fight?
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?

- LIPS OF AN ANGEL, Hinder

____________

For the times we almost had it again, Jade...

For the times I held your hand and didn't want to let go, Joan...

Floating.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...

But you're on to me and all over me.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long...

-GRAVITY, Sara Bareilles

____________

I love you, Celina.

French Connection

As I've posted on my FB wall, I'm looking for a very special friend of mine. Her name is Clarence. Met her in an international camp in Melbourne way back in 1995. I should have used the translator before. Haaay... She said she will miss me and that she hopes to see me again in the future. After 14 years, I hope she still remembers me. I hope she remembers the time we spent together. We never really talked because she didn't speak English. Hmm.. I remember the time we went to our foster family. We shared a bed together and it was kinda sweet because the ceiling had glow in the dark galaxy and it was like we were sleeping under an open sky. I don't know how, but we understood each other. I miss her....... Before I die, we'll meet again. I promise.

Plain Madness

I spent the whole day in my room. I am bored. sad. lonely. I feel pretty fucked up right now. And watching "one more chance" didn't help. I wish I had another chance with you... Yeah, I had three and a half years and I didn't do anything grand to make you stay. I SHOULD LET YOU GO. I SHOULD MOVE ON. You don't know how many times I say that to myself every fucking day. I wish my heart would listen because I'm so tired. SO tired.

I still love you, Teng. Every bit of my mind, heart and soul...

Dammit.

__________

I didn't erase my old blog when you asked me to. I just couldn't throw it away.

http://arrhythmic.heart.tabulas.com/

Sorry.

So What Now, Superfox?

Dying to be with you.

But is it a good idea?

Never wanted a man before.

Tsk.

Dilemma.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Fine.

I'm going all in.

Stranger than fiction

Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives.

Last Day.

So this is my last day before I turn 25 tomorrow. My 24th year of existence is the worst and the best year of my life. Nothing could ever be more memorable. The extreme ups and downs... What a ride. I'm just so happy to find God again. And I now I know that all I need is His love. Nothing more. :-)

25 years.

I am truly grateful.