Fin.

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love...

--- PAPER BAG, Fiona Apple

_________________________

I miss talking to you.

It was a fleeting moment of sanity.

I thought you cared.

I thought..............

Brighton Pier.

I barely know you yet you've managed to invade my waking thoughts.

Maybe I'm crazy to feel this way about you.

Thousands of miles away, I am here.

Wondering about you... What you're doing... If you're alright.

Yeah, I am definitely crazy.

I am crazy about you.

_________________

H: What do you want?

T: (I want you.)

If only I had the courage to say that...

Instead of saying "I don't know.."

WTF.

You'll always be just a dream, H.

Only in my dreams.




I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me...

Sugar Rush.

It's been awhile since I felt this.
I'm happy in a bittersweet way.


Is there a thing such as "love at first chat"?


She makes me smile. She makes me laugh. She makes me think. She makes me wonder.

A fellow Aquarian, a photographer, a Beatles fan...
She is my dream girl.

But she is so damn far away.

I don't even know what she looks like.

I don't even know if she's real.


If I never chat with her again, I'll always have our thread.
And we'll always have Diana.

--> "I think I fancy you." - 10/18/11 11:25PM

A Dash of Happiness.

What takes my mind off the loneliness is my new baby... A Diana F+ Black Jack edition.

I'll have my first 120 film processed today. I.M..E.X.C.I.T.E.D!!!

And then some more.

I wonder what people think of me. A quitter? A loser? Probably just nothing. I hate myself. I hate myself too much that I just want to run away from me. Is it possible to split myself, the dark and the light? I just want to be free.

No more talk of darkness.

Alone.

I think I'm good at pushing away people who love me. Maybe I'm scared of embracing the vulnerability of knowing and trusting that someone feels that way for me. Yes, I'd rather leave than be left alone, again.

I'm sure you'd leave me soon. Everybody does. So I'm doing you a favor, I'm getting out first.

It's better this way. Trust me.

________________


In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top, will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to whoever
What it's like when you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch at a church
Where people saying: "My God, that's tough"
"She stood him up"
"No point in us remaining"
"We may as well go home"
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play?
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God in His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that there are more hearts
Broken in the world that can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally

Looking back over the years
And whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears
And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul
Couldn't understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally...

--- ALONE AGAIN, Gilbert O'Sullivan

2011.

It's been a long time since I wrote something here. So many things have happened...

1. Died twice... Surfer Girl was always there to save me.

2. Got engaged... Yes, with an actual diamond ring. Yihee... I love Jello so much. :)

3. Quit... again. And still in limbo... Hmmm...

I really don't know what to do right now. I just want to be with her 24/7. That's all.