Selective amnesia.

I'm so scared to look at the newsfeed because I might see something about you.. I'm so scared because you've hurt me so much.. I'm so scared because I know you're happy without me... I just want you out of my system. I want to forget you.. I just want to forget you.

Bad Luck.

I'm always stuck with a lyin', cheatin' slut.. damn.. I think it's a curse.. How could you say you love me and start dating someone else?????? Do you even think before you speak??? Bitch. Girls are bitches.. They always break my heart.. Maybe it's time to change teams. Gawd, I hate this.. I hate my life.. I don't want to take crap from anyone anymore..

Once again. I lost.
_________

I remember the first time
You said you loved me
I waited all weekend
You never called me

So you find him attractive
So what if he is
You'd like some excitement
We could go to St. Kitts

So it goes
On and on
My love grows
And yours is gone

A lonely existence
Well it's just a lie
If there is a reason
I'd like to know why

Something I want you to know
I've told you this once before
Don't want you to see him no more

Once again
You've let me down
Broke my heart
And turned me round

There's a light in the darkness
It doesn't seem far
There's something the matter
That's brought us ajar

The plane goes down
Will not land
Pilot's dead
Nowhere to be found

So Many Firsts

For 3 weeks now I'm here in Seattle. I'm loving it here especially the club scene in Capitol Hill. So many firsts for me last night.. LOL. Let me share...

My First Time To...
1. Go to a club.
2. Go to a GAY club.
3. Dance with so many lesbians.
4. Dance with a white girl.
5. Kiss/makeout in public.
6. Kiss strangers.
7. Kiss a white girl.

I just love kissing people when I'm drunk. Hahahaha..

Love you asian girl! Oh yeah you with the short skirt...

I'll see you again... and I won't let you go.

GOODBYE TO LOVE

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just cant seem to find it

So I've made my mind up
I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known

I'd say goodbye to love
There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for, something I could live for


All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can


What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that Ive been wrong
But for now this is my song


And its goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love....

__________________________

Goodbye, Teng.

To My Future Girlfriend

Dear Future GF,

I wonder when I will meet you. I hope it's soon...

September's starting tomorrow...

I don't want a cold Christmas.


Love,
your future GF

Lies.

3/27/08

Tin,

When we first started talking to each other I felt scared of everything. Probably it's because I have been single for a loooong time that it felt new. the whole, flirting thing. But i guess much more of it is due to the fact that there is something about you, and the way you speak to me that scared me to death. You were really intense you know? the way you look at me, the way you talk. Seems like all of the things you say, you really have thought about for years... things you tell me about yourself... your likes, your dislikes, how you are in relationships, your life.. i felt that you have figured out a lot of things about yourself already. And that is scary for someone who never tried to assess what she wanted out of life. You made me think about what and who i am. Then we became really close. ironically, the person who scared the shit out of me, is the same person who attracted my mind, my heart and my soul.

We're getting good at it babe... at least i think now, you get me. i know you know it when im scared. When im embarrassed. when im guilty (that i know you've mastered). when im vulnerable. when im happy. when im sad. when im different, you notice it right away. and you know that im not alright... so you try to make things better by being the sweet person that you are. who would've thought that someone would pay attention to me? i never thought that id reach this point in my life when i will be seen... why babe? why are your eyes fixed on me....?

my heart has never been this happy. I have been left behind before and that has traumatized me in ways i can never forget... but you picked me up. And just the image of you in my mind can make my past seem little... non existent even... and im wondering how life would be like if you did not choose me.... i would probably be in that hell hole still... thinking that the hurt is bigger than me. When you hug me, i feel like im falling... so i hold tight.. and you're just there babe, giving yourself to me. have you ever thought of letting go babe?

My mind is filled with plans for the future with you babe...

I hope you feel the same way too...

I'm excited to be a doctor babe... =)

I'm excited to be the girl of your dreams...

I love you with all my heart, Tin... I will take care of you.. I promise.

-Teng

Lies.

11/10/07

Babe....

I'm just not sure how much I love you... coz how can one quantify a love that never ends... When I'm with you, I feel that Im in the best place in the world.... When you hold my hand I feel bathed with security... with tenderness... Your passion for me is indescribable.... that my passion for you... for life... for my profession sky rockets... Babe, you inspire me.. in short.

When I think of the times I spent thinking, if this relationship is worth the risk... the coming out... I wish I never wasted a breath second guessing... But then, at least you know that NOW, with you... I am sure. And NO doubt in my head can pull you away from me... You don't need to flabbergast me with huge things... coz simple little sweet nothings take my breath away...

1. I love it when you touch and feel the curves in my body.. Makes me feel adored.

2. I melt when you take my hand... and caress it... there's a sense of security in your touch... like telling me that i should not be scared of anything.. coz you're there.

3. I adore you when you drive us anywhere... its like you are in control... i like that. And you're a good driver babe... i feel safe...

4. When you kiss me... i never felt you pull yourself away. Ever. How lucky can I get..

5. When you make love to me.... I get speechless.

6. When you smile... I can just take my clothes off... and kiss you all over.....

those are but a few things....

I never thought I'd meet someone as wonderful as you....

Im so happy... that I said yes to you that night.... And blown away...

.... the mere fact someone like you, even asked.

I'M SO IN LOVE WITH THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE....

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED ME.....

I LOVE YOU....
________________

I wonder...

Because I couldn't say goodbye.

For 4 years, I haven't done anything else in my life but to love you and take care of you. Now that you're gone, I feel lost. I feel so empty.

I loved you so much.. so much. But it wasn't enough.. Maybe I should have been more loving, more caring, more understanding.. more.......

It's too late now...

I just miss you.

Dying.

It's more than a month since we broke up. Babe, I'm missing you more each day. And it's getting harder and harder to live without you. I thought I'd be okay, that I could handle this. But I can't. I want to die. I'd rather die than be without you... I feel my ending coming close... I'm sorry if I'm so weak. I miss you so much. I love you too much... I can't bear it anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I can't exist without you... I just can't.

I MISS YOU.

THINGS I MISS ABOUT YOU...

1. the way you look at me... (melts my heart everytime...)
2. the way you hold my hand...
3. the way I feel when you hold my hand...
4. the way you say "Babe.."
5. the way you hold me in your arms...
6. the way you smile at me.. (makes everything alright..)
7. the way you sleep beside me... (such a perfect world...)
8. the way you say "I love you.."... (I know I'll never love anyone like this again...)
9. the way you make my heart beat fast.. (I don't know how you do this..)
10. the way you kiss me.. (it's like nothing else matters...)

I can go on and on...

I wish you were here...

I miss you so much...

I miss you.

How can I?

I know you don't want to hear from me.. So I'm blogging this.. Just in case you remember my blog.. I miss you.. Desperately missing you..

_________________

How can things go wrong
When you're here with me
All of time and space would stop
They'd stop for you and me

How can we go wrong
We're like words within a song
Perfect rhyme and perfect time
And perfect harmony

Now our words have lost their way
And all they seem to say
You don't intend to stay with me
Tell me why
When we have come this far
We're happy as we are
But now

How can I feel right
When you're not by my side
Strange that I'm here all alone
As I recall the happy times
The happy songs, the perfect rhymes
How can I go on
How can I move on
How can I, how can I
Without you...

The 5 Stages of Grief

It's been more than a week since we broke up. So many things have been said and done, and if I could take them back, I will. I love you so much, Celina. But it's time to let you go...

For the past few days, I went through the 5 stages of grief. Now I understand why I feel this way. It won't be easy but I need to accept that I have my own life to live and I cannot depend on other people for my happiness. It was quite a ride but I think I'll be ok soon. My heart will heal..

_________________

The 5 Stages of Grief

1) Denial:

• Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual.
  
• I could not accept that she left me, that she was not happy anymore. This is not happening.
  

2) Anger:

• Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
• How can she be ok and happy with other people when I am so miserable? This is so unfair!

3) Bargaining:

• The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay the break-up. Usually, the negotiation for an extended time is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle.
  
• Lord, I'll do anything to get her back. Please don't let her leave me.
  

4) Depression:

• During this time, the person disconnects himself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer an individual up that is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
  
• What's the point of living when I could never be with her again?
  

5) Acceptance:

• This final stage comes with peace and understanding.
• I know I can move on. If it's not meant to be, then it's not. I'll let her go.

Torn.

I'm broken.

Should I stay?

Give me a reason to be here.

_________________________

"Well I can't explain why it's not enough 'cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been too long pretending.
There's no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore
Pieces don't fit here anymore..."