Yeah, It's April

I have everything I need. I have a wife who loves me, adorable kitties, New York...

How come I still feel empty?

Lonely existence.

Lonely existence.

Lonely existence.


I've never felt so lonely.

Blissful painful insanity.

Back to 2013

This post is four months late. I've been meaning to write something but I never had the chance. So 2013 was probably the most important year of my lonely existence.

Recap?

January - New life in New York. Decided to stay here. Did a short lesbian film. E, S, A. I moved to Maspeth.

February - Birthday month. Kat, Cubbyhole, Boston. R, M, B. Nothing special.

March - Started screenwriting. "Does Your Mother Know?". B made the class very special. 

April - Cubbyhole. Met Jolie. Tuesdays. Crown Heights. Prospect Park.

May - "Us" became an "us". 

June - We decided to get married. I moved in with her. DOMA.

July - Wedding planning.

August - Got married. Office of the City Clerk, Manhattan. Mystic CT.

September - The worst September so far. 911. Methodist. 911. 911. 911.

October - Wedding party planning. As if September didn't happen. We didn't get out of it alive.

November - Thanksgiving with my family. Wedding Party. Scottadito. 

December - Christmas. South Carolina. 

Then 2014 happened...

January - Got my green card.

February - Got my driver's license.

March - Jolie's birthday. Videos.

All LOVE is EQUAL

26th of June 2013

8am - I woke up with a slight hangover from Cubby-ing last night. I turned to my side and she's there, the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life. I clutched my chest as I feel my heart beating faster. Today is the day that the US Supreme Court will decide whether the Federal Defense of the Marriage Act is constitutional or not. I moved closer to her and held her tightly. It's so scary to think that she might lose me someday. I don't want to be far away from her.

 9:30am - She made Eggs Benedict for breakfast. She was saying something but I couldn't hear her. All I could hear was my heart pounding. I didn't want to eat because I might throw up out of nervousness. We were just a few minutes away from the verdict. Oh, those excruciating minutes that seemed to be forever.

10am - She was closely following the SCOTUS blog. I couldn't. I didn't want to. I was on my twitter, refreshing the feed every second. And then I saw it, "DOMA has been struck down". My heart stopped for a second. My head couldn't absorb what was happening. She looked at me, almost in tears and said, "Oh, baby...". She sat on my lap and gave me a long kiss. When she pulled away, I was speechless. Then she said, "Nanananana, you can't back out now. We're getting married!".

I don't know how or why I got lucky. I am eternally grateful to my stars. I am lucky to be here in the US on this momentous day. I am lucky because at the most uncertain time of my life, we found each other. All the days that I drank alone at Cubby paid off (LOL). I can still feel how my heart skipped when I laid eyes on her. It took a lot of courage to be here with her but I have no regrets.

10 something am. Post-DOMA sex. Yes, that's the best way to celebrate a historical day! HAHA.

I went to school after and I was so giddy that I think people were weirded out. Didn't care at all. Nothing could take this day away from me. We have the right to be here, to love anyone we want.

6pm - We met at Stonewall. We kissed as everyone cheered for the great leap towards full EQUALITY. The woman, our hero Edie Windsor, couldn't be thanked enough. She had the guts to fight for what is hers, for what is ours.

I want to thank everyone who made this possible. My heart is truly grateful.

And baby... I will marry you anytime.

U-Haulin'

I'm moving in with her in less than two weeks. I'm excited... Ecstatic, even! We're starting a life together and there's nothing I want more.

I'm really doing this. We're really doing this. We've decided to get married whether the Supreme Court strikes down DOMA or not. 

I never thought that I could get this lucky. She's the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful person I've ever met in my life and she wants to marry me. She wants to spend the rest of her life with me! Ha! Life can't get any sweeter than this.

In a few weeks, I'll be Mrs. Hale.

I'm on my way to heaven in a U-Haul truck. 

Brooklyn, yeah!

Saturday

When she slept on top of me, her head resting on my chest, I thought it was the best day I've ever had in NYC.

Brooklyn high.

INT. TAXICAB - NIGHT

Jay and Chris are sitting on the backseat of a yellow cab.

Jay looks back and marvels at the Manhattan skyline.

Jay: Look at the Empire State Building. It's so beautiful.

Chris turns around.

Chris: It is.

Chris looks at Jay.

Chris: You are.

They kiss.

Twisted Song.

I don't know if I can yell any louder,
How many times have I kicked you out of here?
Or said something insulting?

I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I can cut you into pieces,
When my heart is broken.

Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious,
What is it with you that makes me act like this,
I've never been this nasty,
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest,
But baby I don't mean it,
I mean it, I promise

Please don't leave me
(Don't leave me)
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud,
How beautiful you really are to me,
I can't be without,
You're my perfect little punching bag,
And I need you,
I'm sorry.

Please, please don't leave me
Baby, please don't leave me (no, don't leave me)
Please don't leave me
(I always say) I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me, (Yeah)
Please don't leave me
(I) I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this,
(Please, Please) Please don't leave me,
Baby, please, please don't leave me.


--- PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME, Pink

LOML

I haven't been this happy in a long time. It feels somewhat strange to have everything I want and need. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful. BEYOND GRATEFUL. It just feels weird because I was struggling for the past few years. And now life is good. Finally.

When she holds me.
Kisses me.
When she simply holds my hand.

When she whispers she loves me.

There's nothing I want more.

I am blessed.

Love of my life.

9 YEARS

We were watching Coyote Ugly. Then I leaned in, she leaned in, and we kissed. Our first kiss.

9 years after, I'm still in love with her. And she still loves me.

I'm the luckiest person.

August 3rd.

I love you, Jade.

July 23rd

She said she loves me. And I still love her. We're giving it another shot.

Jade.

Toronto

I'm in love. CG.

NW.06

I want to hear your voice.

Even for just a second.

I want to know that you really do exist.

Not just in my mind.

I want to have a reason for this madness.

I want.

I want.

I want.

I want you.

Badly.

M.

Drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

Supermoon

I want to forget you. Everything about you. I wish my brain had a reset button so I could wipe out all these stupid memories.

I miss you so much.

It's killing me again.

Watching stars without you, my soul cries.

"I go crazy, crazy baby, I go crazy.
You turn it on, then you're gone.
Yeah, you drive me crazy, crazy, crazy for you baby.
What can I do, honey? I feel like the color blue.
I'm losin' my mind, girl, cause I'm goin' crazy.."

I miss you.

Fuck.

NW.05

I feel homesick for a place I've never been to.

I long for someone I've never met.

NW.04

Day after day.

Night after night.

Thoughts.

Dreams.

Loving my idea of you.

I can't let go.

NW.03

Photographs.

Diana.

And you.


"How many times must we go through this?
You've always been mine,
Woman, I thought you knew this
How many times must we go through this?
You'll always be mine,
Cupid only misses sometimes."

NW.02

Your white sneakers.

Your Superman shirt.

Your stupid beautiful face.

*silently weeps

"Darling, you're with me, always around me,
Darling, I feel you, forever and always.
Give me shelter or show me heart.
And watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart..."

NW.01

I've never met her.
I've never heard her voice.
But I'm in love with her.

Pictures of her.
Her face.
Her smile.
Her frown.
Her hands.
Her legs.
Her feet.
Her shoes.

Pictures of her.

I spend most of my waking hours thinking about her.
Daydreaming about a conversation we'll never have again.
And in my sleep, she is there.
In my dreams.
Every single night.
My heart dreams of her.

I want to see her.
To tell her what I feel.
To hear her voice.
To touch her face.
I cannot stop wanting her.

I cannot stop loving her.
A stranger.
My stranger.

I've never met her.
I've never heard her voice.
But I'm in love with her.

H.O.

"I read your name on every wall...
Tell me, is there a cure for me at all?"

My Hunger Game

I haven't figured out what to do with my life yet. So far, these are my options:

1. Put up my own business... in Canada

2. Become a Science teacher (because no matter what I do, I really love the subject).

3. Become a professional photographer.

4. Find someone and get married. Man or woman, I don't care.

5. Die. Soon.

Hopefully, I won't get to the last option. Kinda sucks to die young, I imagine.

Life. Pfft.

___________

I'm going to New York this May, and probably Toronto if I get my tourist visa.

Destiny. Fate. C'mon!

___________

March 30, 2012

My sister and I went to Araneta Center to watch Hanson. I cried when I saw them. Haha... I'm such a fangirl! I remember when my room was covered with their posters. Taylor everywhere (and Leonardo di Caprio, hehe)! OMG. I'm still in love with him. Mmmbop for 15 more years!

~ While we were waiting for the concert, we watched Hunger Games. It was great though I didn't like how it was shot, kinda made me dizzy. But I guess they did that to cover up the gore. I love the plot. I love Katniss and Peeta. I must read the books soon. Somehow, it fills the void that Harry Potter left after its long run. District 12. Yes? Yes!

Hey, Stranger.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know


--- SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW


________________________________

I don't know why I feel this way about you.

I hate it, actually.

I still think about you.

I'm always thinking of you.

Pathetic.

27.

I'm turning 27 in a couple of days.

27.

Lost and confused.

27.

When I was younger, I thought I'd be successful by this time.

27.

I thought I'd still have you.

27.

Fucked up.

27.

It's been 3 years.

27.

I hate my life.

27.

I hate you.

27.

I don't want to turn 27.

2011.

I know this post is 2 weeks late. I just need to recap the whole 2011. It was an interesting year, not a happy one though. Anyways...

2011

January - I got "engaged" to Jello. Then I decided to quit my medical internship. A bad month actually.

February - My grandmother passed away. Birth
month but didn't really feel like it.

March & April - ? Hmm... nothing significant.

May - I saw Joane again after 10 years. McD Valero.

June - Had an interesting talk with Jade. Just like old times.

July - ?

August - Broke up with Jello. Took the IELTS exam and I passed. Jade said she's still in love with me.

September - I went to Singapore with Jello - not a good idea. Then I went to Europe with my family. Dusseldorf. Amsterdam. Maastricht. Brugge. Paris. Koln. Dusseldorf. Venice. Rome. (I'm going back there, I promise.)

October - Twitter. I met Holly. And I think I fell in love with her - not a good thing, Norwegian wood. Ugh, you got me there.

November - I got my puppy. Baby Snowy. The most adorable baby ever. :)

December - Nothing.

So that was my whole year. I don't know if 2012 would be a better year. Or my last year.

Let's see.

Fin.

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love...

--- PAPER BAG, Fiona Apple

_________________________

I miss talking to you.

It was a fleeting moment of sanity.

I thought you cared.

I thought..............

Brighton Pier.

I barely know you yet you've managed to invade my waking thoughts.

Maybe I'm crazy to feel this way about you.

Thousands of miles away, I am here.

Wondering about you... What you're doing... If you're alright.

Yeah, I am definitely crazy.

I am crazy about you.

_________________

H: What do you want?

T: (I want you.)

If only I had the courage to say that...

Instead of saying "I don't know.."

WTF.

You'll always be just a dream, H.

Only in my dreams.




I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me...

Sugar Rush.

It's been awhile since I felt this.
I'm happy in a bittersweet way.


Is there a thing such as "love at first chat"?


She makes me smile. She makes me laugh. She makes me think. She makes me wonder.

A fellow Aquarian, a photographer, a Beatles fan...
She is my dream girl.

But she is so damn far away.

I don't even know what she looks like.

I don't even know if she's real.


If I never chat with her again, I'll always have our thread.
And we'll always have Diana.

--> "I think I fancy you." - 10/18/11 11:25PM

A Dash of Happiness.

What takes my mind off the loneliness is my new baby... A Diana F+ Black Jack edition.

I'll have my first 120 film processed today. I.M..E.X.C.I.T.E.D!!!

And then some more.

I wonder what people think of me. A quitter? A loser? Probably just nothing. I hate myself. I hate myself too much that I just want to run away from me. Is it possible to split myself, the dark and the light? I just want to be free.

No more talk of darkness.

Alone.

I think I'm good at pushing away people who love me. Maybe I'm scared of embracing the vulnerability of knowing and trusting that someone feels that way for me. Yes, I'd rather leave than be left alone, again.

I'm sure you'd leave me soon. Everybody does. So I'm doing you a favor, I'm getting out first.

It's better this way. Trust me.

________________


In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top, will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to whoever
What it's like when you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch at a church
Where people saying: "My God, that's tough"
"She stood him up"
"No point in us remaining"
"We may as well go home"
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play?
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God in His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that there are more hearts
Broken in the world that can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally

Looking back over the years
And whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears
And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul
Couldn't understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally...

--- ALONE AGAIN, Gilbert O'Sullivan

2011.

It's been a long time since I wrote something here. So many things have happened...

1. Died twice... Surfer Girl was always there to save me.

2. Got engaged... Yes, with an actual diamond ring. Yihee... I love Jello so much. :)

3. Quit... again. And still in limbo... Hmmm...

I really don't know what to do right now. I just want to be with her 24/7. That's all.

Aftermath.

I just want to be in your arms right now.

That's all.

"Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.."

Laurene.

She is the most important person in my life.

The only reason that I'm still alive.

She doesn't know how much effect she has on me.

She doesn't know how much I love her.

I wish, for a second, you can feel my heart.

It beats only for you, Jello.



When you move, I can hardly breathe.

When you hold me, I can feel my heart melting.

When you kiss me, my world stops and nothing else matters.

I belong to you.


"My heart, it feels like it doesn't belong to me anymore... It belongs to you."